So I dated the same guy all through HS - 4 years. He is older than I am by 4 years. When we broke up I was 19 & he was 23. It was not a smooth breakup by any means. I knew he was going to freak out & at that point in my life I was much less assertive & confrontational...so I didn't really know how to go about it, what to do, what to say, etc. I did not handle the situation well, looking back on it, but in my defense I was 19 and not sure what I wanted in life and was trying to initiate the end of the only serious relationship I'd ever had. I am sure I said whatever it took to just get it done without him going over the edge.

I know my description of him sounds like I am being dramatic, but really he is one of the most unbalanced people I know (including me, and for anyone who knows me intimately enough, that says a lot :) ).

This was early 2001. For YEARS I still got cards and letters from him - birthday, Christmas, Valentine's, and anything he could think of in between. I should probably mention that after I broke up with him, I didn't speak to him again for years - not so much as "hello". But he never stopped. In the last couple years I started talking to him, via text only - and keeping it as generic conversation as possible. I have not and will not see him in person.

Within the last 3 weeks he's told me he still loves me and always will, he is not complete and wants the life he had back then, and told me the exact date we broke up and exactly what I said to him. It has been 9 years! I was 19. I am a completely different person. If I acted/interacted then the way I do now he would have beat the hell out of me for it. I don't understand how he doesn't understand that after a decade people change and nothing can or will ever be what it might have been. He is 32 now - and he hasn't moved on from the girl he hasn't even seen for 9 years?! WHY? I know he's dated other girls. Why is he so hung up on what happened so long ago?

Part of me wishes I would have just kept out of contact. Part of me is a little freaked - same feeling I used to have after we broke up & I would get paranoid if a car was behind me too long, wondering if it was him. Part of me wants to scream at him and tell him to grow up and get over it and move on - get some help or something. And part of me feels very, very sorry for him, almost at fault.

All I know is the one person who has ever wanted to marry me is the one person I can for sure say I would never, ever consider marrying. It's like life's cruel joke on me. Damn.
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    irritated irritated

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for Jarin. He is my life. So thankful that he is so smart and loving and healthy. Also very thankful that apparently I had the easiest kid ever to potty train!

I am thankful for being surrounded by good people in my life. Some I see daily, others I rarely get to see - but they have all impacted my life in good ways.

I am thankful for my health. I do not take care of myself like I should, yet I have no outstanding medical issues to deal with.

I am thankful for so many little things, so many luxuries I have that are taken for granted most of the time. Bountiful food. Pop. High speed internet. Unlimited texting. A fuel-efficient car. Cheap beer. Wine. Shoes - lots and lots of shoes. DVR. Four distinct seasons. Comfy jeans. Cozy blankets. Music. Quick trip. Fireworks. Parades. Camping. Books. A garage door opener. Funny jokes. Charcoal grills. Pool tables. Football. Bubbles. Candles. Matches. Central air. Remote controls. Clean running water. Movies. Bars. Naps.

So, so many things to be thankful for. I could get specific and go on and on all day.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy thanksgiving!!! Wish me luck/safety for black Friday - I must go be with the masses and buy things on super sale! :)
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    content content

what is WRONG with me?!

So I've been sleeping more than not for about 4 days now. I have been pretty unproductive and unmotivated. I am stressed and frustrated with several factors in my life right now. Maybe I just need to let out a good scream. 28 year-old single mom & recently unemployed college dropout...


Eh - still just feeling bleh. I did pick up/organize Jarin's toys & cleaned the dining room today, so hopefully I'll feel better about having done something. Hopefully.

birthday planning

So my birthday is this Friday the 13th. I was born on Friday the 13th, 1981. Turned six on one, 11 one one, and 17 on one. Haven't had one since (I will be 28 this week). It shouldn't be as big a deal as it is, but I am not the one who created the hullabaloo about it, I just enjoy participating in it. And I personally think there's nothing unlucky about the day at all. Anyway, I'm pretty excited my birthday is on a weekend so I can go out. But of course, as with everything in my life, I am stressing about plans for it.

I know for sure we're going to Mickey Finn's around 9 & likely staying there. I know I want to go to dinner, but can't decide where. On one hand, I would personally enjoy going to Taki. But on the other hand, I want others to come with, and the price of dinner is inversely proportional to the amount of people that can/will come. I think somewhere like Texas Roadhouse is a good balance of price & decent quality...however, seating a group of people together there is a pain in the ass. I have considered Fuddruckers & Felix & Oscar's. I even thought maybe Orlando's, since it's an old hangout with decent food. So far that one is winning. I just don't know - and I need to know ASAP so I can let other people know & see who even wants to go! Argh - I am cursed with indecisiveness & dependency on other people's opinions.

Also this Friday is To Write Love on Her Arms day. Well, according to the very large Facebook group it is this Friday. I believe it is more of a movement without a designated day, but if we can observe it on my birthday this year, cool. If you don't know of it, check out their website - the back story of how it all got started is moving. In short, the movement is about depression and suicide awareness and prevention. I ordered a bunch of those rubber bracelet things that EVERYONE has for their awareness of one thing or another - paid for 2 day shipping so hoping they are here by Friday, as I would like to give them to people to wear while out with me that night. It's an important issue to be aware of (I know, they all are in their own ways).

Back to the me part of the day :) Part of me wants to get my nails done that day - it's been years since I've had them done. It's so bad for your real nails, which is why I never got in the habit - but lately for some reason I've wanted to have them done, so we'll see. I want to buy a new shirt to wear out, too, but my last couple shopping outings were less than successful, so I'm not set on that yet. For sure there will be food, drinks (alcoholic for me, thanks), karaoke, hopefully pool, and who know what for after-hours...if I make it to after hours :)

ok, I think I've decided Orlando's on Park for dinner - yummy & affordable food. Will let people know tomorrow & see who can make it. I feel better, actually, just deciding that.

BTW - if you are reading this and you actually know me, didn't just randomly run across a crappy, rarely-updated blog, you are welcome to come along Friday night! All info for Friday night will also be posted to crib0, Madd's site, and facebook.
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    excited excited


I was informed by a friend last night that he still regularly checks my blog even though I never update it. Now that I've logged in, I realize how many people I've missed & all their updates here. For that I apologize. I just got caught up in everything going on in life & lj is one of the first to go by the wayside.

Jarin is 2 1/2 now. Smart kid - as proud and happy as I am, it is also worrisome. He absorbs and processes information constantly, he's quite conversational, and he asks appropriate questions. I have trouble keeping ahead of him now, so I can't imagine what it will be like in another couple years. We are potty training now. It's not been as bad as I thought it would be, except the first day. Which tells me he was ready. My friend Amber told me she was super impressed with how immensely patient I was being. That made me feel good because I am generally not a patient person, but with Jarin it can be very different. He needs me to be patient. So anyway, he's wearing big boy underwear with Cars & Sesame Street characters, and hasn't had an accident since Friday morning.

Madd & I separated this spring. I'm not even sure what happened - there was no big fight or explosion. We just weren't happy & pretty sure we couldn't make each other happy. For the most part we've gotten along better since then (the exception being one huge fight we had this summer). I still spend most of my time at Madd's. That's where Jarin is happiest, so it's where my life is easiest. Plus, we are getting along well, so why not hang out there?

I have decided I really, really need a therapist/counselor/psychologist - possibly a psychiatrist. I have never and will never post my personal demons publicly, but they are there and they affect my life in ways that even I don't realize sometimes. I have some serious anger issues, which I seem to have suppressed recently, but the underlying issues are still there so I know it is a problem that will arise again. Every semi-serious to serious relationship I've ever been in has failed - the only common denominator in all of them is me. I just have some issues in my life that have been there for a very, very long time & I've never properly dealt with them. However, now I have no insurance & not much money, so the issues is finding something that's even an option at this point. I'll figure something out - I need to.
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    hungry hungry


I called in sick to work for the 3rd day in over a year on Tuesday. The policy where I work is that you get an occurrence for calling in sick, then if you call in sick the next day & the day after that, it goes on the same occurrence. So most people there take all three days whenever they call in because, well...why not? One day for one occurrence, or three days for one occurrence? Well, I have always gone back when I felt better, after a day. I thought it the proper thing to do as a good employee, to not abuse sick leave. Not this time. I took the second day even though I could have worked today. And I have considered taking tomorrow, too, but I won't.

Lately I've been feeling extremely burnt-out. I like the job itself, and I am grateful for the chance to have learned it. However, the loads of shit we have to deal with as subcontractors are ridiculous. I feel like I haven't even been doing my actual job for weeks now, because we've been wading through thousands and thousands of pieces of work that shouldn't even be there. And we're on mandatory overtime to top it all off. I don't know. Maybe it's just that time of year where it is FOREVER until another holiday, and I just need a vacation to come back around...but I don't think so.

Our current contract is up in September, and honestly (as awful as it is to say in this economy) I am ready to be laid off! I do not say that lightly - I know it sounds unappreciative and horrible with thousands of people losing their jobs daily that really need their jobs. But I do not need my job - the money is really nice to have, but it's not necessary for us to get by. And when I think about the price I pay to have all the extra money, I always wonder if it's worth it.

Being a stay-at-home mom wouldn't be my cup of tea. I need to have some sort of a job. But I don't think a full time job with mandatory overtime is it. I don't know what I am going to do. I am really unhappy with my job lately - and while I know that I should stick it out until September and stockpile some money from all the overtime, a big part of me wants to make a transition to something less time-consuming before then. I want to have more family time. I want to see my boyfriend for more than just the weekends. I want more family-time. I want to have more full days with Jarin before he does go to school.

Oh, and the reason I have to consider giving up my present job is because part time is not available in our office (unless you are spoiled and super-bitchy, but we'll save her for another entry). I wanted part time when I had Jarin, but every opportunity I've had to move up in pay and experience within the health insurance field has only had full time jobs. And I don't think I'm ok with that anymore. And now I don't know what I'm going to do.
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    drained drained

Time is going too fast

My baby Jarin is going to be 2 on Sunday - I can't believe it. We haven't made plans to do anything, really. I think just having my parents, and MAYBE my brother and my sister and her husband. I didn't want a traditional party where people feel obligated to buy stuff in this economy - the child has TONS of stuff. And I thought of doing a present-less party, even considered a food drive for the local food pantry. But I am not up to hosting a big party here right now, and nowhere that I looked into for kids' parties was very fiscally responsible. We're not hurting for money by any means, but I am choosy how I spend it & try to not be flippant with it right now. He isn't going to remember it, anyway. I don't think. We were watching a movie yesterday that had a Christmas scene in it and he pointed at the TV and said "Christmas tree!" I know kids learn/remember things - but this is the first time he's recalled something from so long ago (that I know of) - not like letters and numbers that are rehearsed daily. Anyways, he'll have his cake that looks like a car, and that's all that will really matter to him.

I remember freaking out just 6 months ago because he wasn't really talking much. When people say not to worry because kids just explode into words, they are so right. Some of them are words we really wish he wouldn't repeat :) But he will repeat almost anything you say to him now. Doesn't say the L sound yet, but he'll get there. He does the stairs all by himself now - sometimes without me watching every move. He likes to take his pants off and sit on the potty, but not actually go in it yet. The hardest thing for me to deal with, I think, is that he is trying to be so independent with everything and refuses help even when I know he needs it.

He is sick tonight. Probably with what I had this week. I feel so bad for him. And I am clueless - we've been extremely fortunate thus far to never have a sick baby. The occasional cold/mild fever, but never actually sick. This is the first time I've had to clean several piles of vomit (which is absolutely disgusting, by the way). I HOPE he doesn't get it like I did - if so Madd is going to have a bad day tomorrow, as I have to get back to work. Going to make a separate post about that now.

Man, with how fast the past 2 years have gone, it seems as if he'll be in school next week! There are days you're glad go quickly (tonight's vomit-session, for example)...but most of the time I wish it would just slow down a little bit.
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    drained drained


I am tired lately. I think it's a combination of several factors. This time of year is always hard for me - up and headed for work while it's still dark/dawn, and not home until almost dark. Holidays are so busy. I love them, but the stress they bring sucks. Planning, shopping, and all the traveling, all with a toddler. Which brings me to Jarin. Holy cow he wears me out. He is just go-go-go until he crashes, and I will admit I am usually ready to crash before he is! And when I'm not with him I think about him a lot and worry about him. I do not handle stress well. If I weren't wanting to get pregnant again I would go see about getting meds again. Lexapro did me well a few years back - just took the edge off so I wasn't stressing over every little thing I could think of. Work is pretty stressful right now. Mostly because I am still learning my new position and it can be a frustrating job to do. Also because of the weather. Many companies will close, or at least let people leave or take a day off if the weather is bad. Ours will not. We will not close unless the federal building downtown closes, meaning pretty much never. We may not leave early without getting an occurence unless they are closing roads that we need to take to get home. The hazards of contracting to do federal work (we do Medicare) is that you have federal obligations, even if you are not federal yourself. Ugh. Oh well. At least they do not count it against us if we are late due to bad weather, as long as we get there. I've been working overtime, too. Not as much as some others, but enough to make a difference on my check. Sometimes I feel bad because Madd & I both work overtime a lot, and I feel like Jarin is cheated out of time with us. But I guess in the long run it is better for him. And us. With the economy going to crap, Madd & I have discussed our finances, and even if we were to both lose our jobs and be on unemployment we would be fine, so that is good to know, I guess. We have a home, food, clothes, and leftover for fun, so I am thankful for all of that, especially this time of year. I can't wait until winter is over. I know it really just started, but I am done with it. After New Year's it is a long stretch to Jarin's birthday, then it will start to get back to the time of year we like :)
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    tired tired

Good Things

I love being a mom! I was tickling Jarin earlier tonight and he was just laughing and squealing uncontrollably, which just made me start laughing. He's not talking for us yet, really, but he knows what's going on. He understands so much and picks up on things quickly. The biggest con right now is the naughtiness - hitting, throwing, tantrums on the floor...we are doing the best we can with it. It is hardest for me in public where I can't really discipline him the way I want. And that does not necessarily mean spanking - we're not quite there yet. But we give time-outs with him face-down on the floor...can't quite do that in the middle of a store or restaurant. More often than not he is a great little boy. And very loving - it is so great to ask your kid for a hug or kiss and have him walk over to you and do it and be happy about it. :)

I just got a promotion at work. Not authority/rank-wise, but pay grade-wise. I am moving departments, which will be more really good experience, and the department I am moving to is a higher paid group. Also, just before being hired to the new department, we had our annual reviews. Mine was stellar - I got a 5/5 overall total. I only know of one other person who got that - I am sure there are a couple more, but out of 85 people it's awesome to be in the top 5 or so. From the time I left IHP last May ('07) to now, I have increased my pay by $12K/year. Holy crap! Maybe I really will get to retire some day.

Fall is here! I finally bought a new coat, and some really cute boots. And it's football season - WOO! Feelin' bad for the Cyclones - though I really thought they were going to upset Kansas last week. My Cowboys are doing well for themselves, though I can't believe they lost to the Redskins - that was painful. Hopefully they continue to have a good season.
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    chipper chipper

Financial Freedom (almost)

By this Friday, my student loans will be paid off in full, and by 9/12 my last payment on the medical I owed from having Jarin will be paid off in full. This means that "officially" I will be debt-free. "officially" being any open account on my credit that a lender would look at. Of course I still have monthly bills like everyone else, just no outstanding credit. Except my credit card, which has a small enough limit that even maxing it out I can pay it off when the bill is due - that is a nice control measure.

This is mostly due to a HUGE part by Madd, who is very good with money matters, and decided he would rather help pay the student loan off than have me pay the government anymore interest (since the whole $2000 they took this spring went to interest). And it will be so much easier to pay him back, as he can do all the budgeting and finances, and we already have the ability to transfer money between our accounts.

I really feel like such a burden is off of me, knowing that none of these people will be mailing me or calling me or sitting on my credit report! Just have to deal with the one I live with now, and I am pretty used to that :) Thank you, dear! Wow - I honestly never thought I would be on top of things ever again, and with help I am again, and I am so happy I could scream!
  • Current Music
    Madd playing FFXI